ADAPTATION or WHEN HOLLYWOOD MET WASHINGTON

By Skeptik Sininkian

Ok–now I know I promised you the sequel to last week’s drama/comedy/action thriller but I couldn’t help but digress for just a bit considering that Thursday night everyone I knew was watching the Presidential debate. In fact–last night’s match up provided me with enough material for three different columns and I am tempted to dump the continuation of last week’s column all together. But I won’t let you down. A promise is a promise and we’ll pick up from where we left off with Episode 2 of our Hollywood script-turned-reality. And as before–with any highly anticipated movie–we have to have at least 20 minutes of nonsensical previews! So in the spirit of remaining true to the Hollywood theme–we will now cover the debate in preview format.

Well–what can I say–just when I thought it was safe to put some money down on the election–Kerry pulls off a big win. The smart money is still on Bush but Kerry came through big mainly because he stood to lose more than George W. Bush in the debates. The President–on the other hand–had been handicapped by his Achilles’ heel–namely–his lack of intelligence. But it wasn’t Bush’s lack of knowledge on the issues that cooked his goose. It was his smug arrogance which–when juxtaposed with Kerry’s cool and calm demeanor–made him look like a spoiled and impatient brat.

The President did make some good points–jabbing Kerry repeatedly on his inconsistency on the Iraq War. (Don’t you love living in an era where we can be at war without formally DECLARING war? I’m being sarcastic. Quick Skeptik Factoid: Did you know The United States hasn’t formally declared war on anyone since World War II). Kerry was unable to respond clearly to the President’s inquiries into his stance on the war because Kerry doesn’t really have one. During the same debate–he questioned going to war numerous times and then said that he could do the job better. My Democrat friends were dancing in the street after Kerry’s performance in the debate but I wasn’t sure why? Kerry’s apparently back in the race and that’s supposedly a good thing? From what I understood during the debate–Kerry’s planning on staying in Iraq and I don’t know what magic wand he’s going to use to make our boys and girls immune to enemy bullets. (Sigh)

But Kerry did make the point that Bush became distracted during his War on Terror and shifted his focus from the Mountains of Bora Bora (I just like saying Bora Bora) where Osama Bin Laden was hiding and redirected troops to Iraq. And speaking of Iraq and the debates and the election and the hunt for Osama Bin Laden?we are now ready to continue or regularly scheduled program. (By the way–my mother still thinks that there’s a conspiracy to catch or reveal the capture of Bin Laden before Election Day).

When we last left our kingdom in chaos–we had an inexperienced king with delusions of greatness leading his people into a war against an invisible enemy. The king wastes the surplus of the kingdom’s coffers and squanders away any respect that the other kingdoms had for

Act V – The Rat Race or It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World

[Setting: Washington–DC]

The ceremonial day of selecting a new leader is fast approaching. Initially–the king’s challenger appreciated widespread popularity–not as much for his own abilities but out of dislike toward the king. The king responds by having his servants attack the challenging prince’s credibility as a veteran of the foreign wars. Both men hold great festivals to curry favor with the people but the king emerges stronger from his celebration. As the day of the actual festival to select the next king draws closer–rumors begin to circulate that the king is about the capture his adversary–the infamous and elusive invisible enemy. People work themselves into frenzy at the prospect of capturing and finally seeing this monster in the flesh.

Act VI – Sleeping With the Enemy?

The festival has nearly arrived and rumors abound about a potential attack or the message a change in leadership would send to the elusive enemy. Some think that he has already been captured while others are certain that he is lurking outside the gates of the realm waiting for the right moment to attack. Just before the festival day–the king makes a grand speech about patriotism–the call of duty–and the legacy of all the kings that came before him. The subjects cheer their king and believe that he is the only person who can rid them of this mysterious evil that threatens them. The king’s demoralized challenger sulks as he watches his opponent play upon the insecurities of the people and run off with the crown yet again.

Now this is the part in the movie where the camera begins to pan out over the crowd and we see a lone horseman riding into the town interrupting the king’s speech. Out of breath–the young soldier announces that the enemy has been cornered in the mountains far off on the outskirts of the kingdom. The king announces to his subjects that they will embark on the crusade to bring the villain to justice as dawn’s first light–but tonight?they will elect the new leader and prepare for war the next day. People begin to cheer in frenzy at the prospect of capturing the enemy and the movie ends with the teaser for the final and third episode–The Phantom Menace.

Le Fin. The End. To be Continued?but not by this Skeptik.

This is how it will go down–in the next few weeks we’ll start hearing reports of how we’re "closing the noose around the neck of Bin Laden" which will give us hope that he will be brought to justice. In the meantime–Bush will continue to campaign as a Wartime President. And come November–unless Kerry gets off his clam chowder sipping’ New England Ivy League derriere–we’ll have four more years of Bush–a miserable economy–more war–more lives lost along with respect. It’s sad to think this but sometimes I wonder if Bush was glad that he became known as the "Wartime President;" otherwise he’d just be remembered as being radical and mediocre at best. It’s strange how Hollywood and Washington DC work sometimes and how a zero turns into a "hero." Well–that’s it for me this week. We’ll be back next week after these messages from our sponsors.

Skeptik Sinikian has been brought to you by "Madzoon" [yogurt]–the breakfast of champions! And "Skhtor" [garlic]–"For when plain Madzoon just isn’t enough!"

Sinikian can be reached at skeptiksinikian@aol.com or visit his blog at www.sinikian.blogspot.com.

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