GLENDALE ELECTIONS A NEW REASON FOR ARMENIANS TO BE DEPRESSED IN APRIL

BY SKEPTIK SINIKIAN

Tuesday April 5–2005 is Election Day in Glendale–which means one of two things. Either Armenian-Americans living in Glendale will be able to voice their opinions loud and clear–and send a message that they are an integral part of the fabric of the Jewel City–OR they will beat each other up to a bloody pulp and miss a golden opportunity to have more Armenia’s involved in civic affairs.

I predict the latter only because I see Armenia’s unable to differentiate between qualified candidates and other political latecomers. What baffles me is that most Armenian-Americans vote based on familial ties or what their acquaintances say about a person rather than basing their decisions on an individual’s qualifications. I have to be honest with you and tell you that I’ve been itching at the opportunity to let loose on some of these people for even announcing their candidacies–but I hesitate now seeing that most of these Armenia’s are doing a better job of bashing one another than I could ever do. At this point–if I were to jump in and dish out my critique of this person or that–I would just be kicking a dead horse. Plus–I’m still hearing grumblings from my rant last week.

So what does this leave us with? A very important lesson. I don’t know what the results of the elections will be on April 5–but whatever happens–our community will have gotten what it deserves. Everyone I speak to has a different opinion. No two people have the same prediction as to who is going to win. What a mess. I hope that whatever happens–this ridiculous election will never be repeated. And I hope that the inevitable loss by some of these clowns will be a message to anyone else who is sitting at home right now contemplating their run for council next time.

I have to admit that there are some bright spots amidst all of this confusion. For one–I have come to realize that Armenian television is the worst quality television on earth. I’d rather be watching ESPN Uzbekistan! Watching grown men use sticks to knock around the carcass of a goat is much more fascinating than watching grown men knock around each other like the carcass of a goat only to make themselves AND their guests look stupid. The elections will come and go. Candidates will either get elected or disappear–but unfortunately–TV hosts are here to stay.

On the other hand–there have been some pretty creative campaign commercials. One more entertaining than the next. My favorite game to play with my friends is to turn the volume off while watching Armenian TV–wait for the campaign ads to come on and then try to guess whether it’s a commercial for a lawyer–candidate–insurance salesman–real estate agent–or some other stereotypical Armenian white collar professional. If you guess wrong–then you have to take a shot of whatever hard alcoholic beverage you happen to have around. It’s a lot of fun but I have to warn you to start off slowly. The quality of some of these commercials makes a person want to start channel surfing for infomercials on personal finance.

Well–I think I’m through for this week. I won’t harass you anymore than I have. But I will urge you to go out and VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! And for the ethically challenged–I didn’t just ask you to go out and vote six times! I asked you to vote once and repeated myself for emphasis. (Trust me–with some of these folks you have to make that VERY clear). So–until next time–remember–that if you don’t vote–you have no right to complain.

Skeptik Sinikian was heavily intoxicated while he wrote this last column. He had watched over 47 continuous hours of Armenian television and gotten all of the campaign commercials wrong. If you wish to give him a piece of your own mind–email him at SkeptikSinikian@aol.com or www.Sinikian.blogspot.com.

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