Turkeys

By Garen Yegparian

No–don’t worry–we’ve not had a proliferation of genocidal states across the globe–just humans behaving more like fowl.

Let’s start with "Sharon to? Form a Centrist Party? ." That’s Israel’s Ariel–Arik to his buddies. The LA Times does not indicate if ‘centrists’ Genghis–Talaat–Hitler–Enver–Mussolini–Khomeini–Attila–and a host of similarly genial folk will be joining the Butcher of Baghdad (oops–that’s Shrub’s title)–er–of Sabra and Shatila. Is there an outfit that gives awards for the most ridiculous newspaper headline of the year? I’ve got the winner for them.

Let’s laugh at what’s become a serious aggregation of human fowl–the Republican Party of the US of A. How about that stunt last week? Representative John Murtha–an ex-jarhead–big on military–calls for redeploying out of Iraq–describes its stages lasting some six months–and specifies remaining within striking range. So what does the Republican leadership of the House of Representatives do? It schedules an immediate vote on a farcical resolution proposed by one of their henchmen–Representative Duncan Hunter–which calls for something no one is advocating–immediate–total withdrawal. Sure enough–it went down 403-3. Such governance–such intellectual prowess–such respect for the tens of thousands of human lives wasted in Shrub’s War.

Worry not–it’s not just ole Duncan who’s the only California representative doing justice to the state’s goofy reputation. Richard Pombo is on the loose too. Not only has he introduced legislation to gut the Endangered Species Act–one of the most successful laws in achieving its goal of saving Earth’s animals from extinction–but now he wants to give away the citizens’ property. He’s got a proposal that would ‘sell’ land at ludicrously low prices to corporations who could then mine it–develop it–or just plain keep it and revoke public access to it. Remember this is OUR property he wants to give away. So now where are all those ‘fiscal conservatives’ in the GOP who are busy reducing social welfare programs?

And what about the Catholic Church? With its hundreds of years of ‘wisdom,’ it remains married to the notion of celibate clergy (at least our church got it half right in this respect). The result? A bunch of horny guys doing unspeakables to kids. Gotta love those infallible popes?

How about that one-square-inch parcel in Indiana–available for a bargain-basement price of just $1500? If you buy it–you must invite me out for a visit–since you got the idea from me.

Then you’ve got that scummy Michael Scanlon and Jack Abramoff–the former finally indicted and thus awaiting trial like the latter. These vermin evidently scammed four Native American tribes for lobbying services to the tune of $52 million–and proceeded to pocket $40 million of that as profit. This is just the tip of their perfidious iceberg–I rather suspect.

No article such as this would be complete without an example or two of crane-hood. Hey–don’t blame me–turkeys are native to North America–we got the cran’s–and sing about them all the time. So how about those poison-peddling cigarette smugglers (Virginia to California)? Those idiot Armenia’s got nabbed in ’03 and finally got sentenced earlier this year. Now that’s justice.

But what prompted this article was an experience with an Armenian institution I contacted recently. I called and left a voice-mail giving my address and what I needed. A few days later I got a call–a woman with a distinctly non-Armenian English accent–asking for someone. I thought I recognized an "ian" in what she uttered–but wasn’t sure. I asked her to repeat the name–to no avail. So I asked her to spell it. She didn’t hear me or understand me. I repeated the request. By this time she was flustered and ready to hang up convinced she had the wrong number. Good thing I persevered. Not only was she working for the place I’d called–she’d gotten my address wrong. So here’s the problem. You hire someone who can’t even get close to saying your clientele’s names. Shouldn’t you train her? Make her practice? But that might be a lesser problem. This person’s English was nothing spectacular either–so communication was near impossible. I’m not advocating biased hiring practices–just competence in the relevant areas.

One parting Republican shot: Now that we’ve seen what happens when you don’t maintain things–think New Orleans–even the Governator is bandying about the notion of a $50-$100 billion (yes you read correctly–that’s a "b") infrastructure-building bond. I’m curious as to what the reaction of the anti-governmentalists within the party will be. Think about it. For at least 30 years–these people have been beating the drums of the ‘evils’ of government. How it spends too much. How there’s too much regulation. How the private sector is better. This discourse has led to forgetfulness. They neglected one minor bit of reality. This is planet Earth and the way things work down here–things age–decay–and break down. So advocating "no money" (except for nukes and other non-constructive and non-productive items) means advocating infrastructure collapse.

These snippets remind me of the quip–"The amount of intelligence on the planet is constant. The population is increasing." Anybody know who first said this? I’d like to give due credit and honor.

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