Dear Readers,

I was sick for the last two weeks and no one even noticed. But that’s OK. Don’t bother asking me how I AM!! Anyway–just bear with me. This week’s article will take a while to kick into second gear but I’ll make it worth your while. Promise!

Your friend,

I didn’t watch the Oscars. I was at an Armenian wedding in North Hollywood. And what a wedding it was! Let me just say that the whole time–I was taking notes of "Do’s" and "Don’ts" for future reference and a gazillion ideas for future columns. The whole time as two young people professed their love to one another in a timeless ceremony and celebration of Holy Matrimony–I kept thinking thoughts like "I can’t believe I’m missing Jon Stewart hosting the Oscars" and "I wonder if Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie are going to have a cat fight on the red carpet??" I don’t even like the Oscars and the last time I remember watching it–that old guy from "City Slickers" did one-handed pushups after winning his award. That was pretty awesome!

The person who thought of getting Jon Stewart to host the Academy Awards/Oscars is a genius. I like this idea mainly because I think Stewart does a brilliant job on the "Daily Show" on Comedy Central. That show alone is enough reason to buy one of those packages for satellite or direct TV and then get stuck with over 20 home shopping channels–that Christian Evangelical Channel with the woman that wears all the makeup–and the Oxygen channel–which ironically–makes me crave carbon monoxide and not oxygen. I heard he did a good job and he made some great political jokes which included a Dick Cheney hunting joke–but from what I heard around the water cooler the next day–it looks like they’ll probably go with someone else next year.

WARNING! WARNING! SKEPTIK DIGRESSION ALERT! I don’t know why the Oscars screwed around with a proven formula. I remember when Billy Crystal was the host every year. It was comforting. Now the Oscar host changes every year. It’s like that friend who dates the same girl for like three years and she even starts to grow on you because you’re so used to them together. Then they break up and no one knows why. For the next three years he keeps bringing a different girl to your annual Christmas party and some are okay and others are disasters but you always end up comparing them to the previous girl. And that’s all I have to say about that. END OF DIGRESSION (if you wish to see more of my critique of the Oscars–visit my blog.)

One of the things that I find funny during the Oscars is when some Hollywood nobody wins an award and then for the next fifty years–any time that person is in any type of play–movie–cartoon–commercial–advertisement or ribbon cutting of a new International House of Pancakes–they are introduced as "Academy Award Winner." Does anyone else think that it’s absolutely ridiculous that Cuba Gooding Jr. and Marissa Tomei both have this moniker? So this has given me an idea to give out my own awards to mock the Oscars and leave my legacy for posterity’s sake. Ladies and gentlemen… I introduce to you… the Golden Esh Award! (For non-Armenia’s reading this column–the word "esh" means donkey or jackass in Armenian.) Ta-Dah!

The Golden Esh Award is meant to coincide with the Academy Awards–the People’s Choice Awards–and the Golden Globes. The Golden Esh memorializes great accomplishmen’s in idiocy. It is awarded to people who do or say things that only an ESH would do or say.

The nominees for the 2006 Golden ESH are:

US SECRETARY OF STATE CONDOLEEZA RICE for recalling US Ambassador to Armenia John Evans for commen’s he made reaffirming the Armenian genocide. In case you missed the news recently–Ambassador John Evans has been forced to resign his post as Ambassador to the Republic of Armenia because during a visit with diaspora Armenia’s in the US he actually said–and I quote:

"I regard the event as an act of genocide. No American official has ever denied this fact. I think it will not bring honor to Americans to play with words concerning this issue. I know that everything should be called by their names. However–the US policy has not changed. We have military relations with Turkey in the framework of NATO. The Armenian genocide was the first genocide that was committed in the 20th century. I assure you that we shall seriously deal with this issue."

So because of his candor and courage–Ambassador Evans is being rewarded with a pink slip and has probably been blacklisted from ever working in the State Department again. In fact–Armenia is now the lucky recipient of the US Ambassador from Tajikistan. Which means that if we’re getting the Ambassador from Middle-of-nowhere Tajikistan–then Evans is probably going to be made the assistant to the Ambassador to some penguin colony in Antarctica. What a damn shame! Condoleeza Rice has sullied the reputation of not only her department but of the American people as well!

The next nominee is the PUBLIC BROADCAST SYSTEM (PBS) for airing a discussion with a panel of Genocide Deniers immediately following a documentary on the Armenian genocide. (By the way–if you want to know more about either of these issues–you can read about them on the Armenian National Committee website at Having a panel of Genocide Deniers speak after a documentary about the Armenian genocide is like having a group of former Nazis and Holocaust Deniers speak right after a screening of Schindler’s List. Over 10,000 Armenia’s have already written to PBS to complain about this decision to no avail. The folks at PBS have responded to their viewers and supporters with the same arrogance as one of their characters from those stupid Victorian era British shows that they are always promoting.

This an all time low for the channel that brought us Sesame Street and Contact! Even worse–is that PBS has yet to see the error of its ways and remains unwavering in their complete and utter disregard for human decency. Thanks to this ESH move–I won’t be able to watch Sesame Street ever again without picture a big ugly Turkish fez on top of Big Bird’s head! Next time PBS has a telethon fundraising drive–I’m grabbing a bag of Lahmajouns and a six pack of beer–sitting by the TV with my cordless phone–and calling them over and over again just to tell the volunteers there that I will not donate a dime to their Genocide Denying idiots!

And the final nominee for this year’s ESH Award is SEMIH IDIZ–Editor of Turkish News who recently wrote an editorial in Milliyet (a Turkish paper) claiming that Turkey didn’t deserve its bad reputation. This was a response to an international survey of attitudes towards 35 countries and Turkey was viewed as the least favorable. SURPRISE! SURPRISE! Idiz writes that evidently "the world sees Turks as ignorant–lazy–poor–radical Islamist–crazy–barbaric–and dangerous" and claims that these labels are completely unfair.

Well–Idiz my effendi–in your list of "How Turks Are Perceived," you forgot genocidal–ungrateful–violent–oppressive–racist–fascist–arrogant–and delusional. And I almost forgot: Bird Flu Spreading!

When delving into the roots of this so-called misconception–Idiz observes that foreigners may misunderstand Turkish society because "such developmen’s as the police beating women demonstrators" just a few months ago–"looks bad." Idiz baby–the women beatings are just the tip of the iceberg.

And now for the winner. Orhan Pamuk–if you can please pass me the envelope through the bars of your Turkish jail cell. Thank you.

(Cough to clear throat) So we have three VERY worth nominees for this year’s Golden ESH Award. In fact–the panel of judges has had such a hard time deciding who to award that we actually have a historic THREE WAY TIE!! That’s right Condoleeza–PBS–and Idiz–you are all Golden ESHes! As part of receiving this honor–you will henceforth be known as "Golden ESH winners." So hold your heads up high and enjoy the company you’re in. In addition to your goody bag filled with grade-A manure just like the stuff you like to peddle around town–all three of you have been selected for an exclusive hunting trip with Vice President Dick Cheney! Enjoy and don’t forget to write!

Skeptik Sinikian is currently working on a design for the statue of the Golden Esh Award. If anyone knows an Esh or would like to model for one–contact him at or visit his cool (OK–not) new blog at


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