On the Treatise of the Binkian Theory: The Newest Frontier in Physics

For centuries, mankind has made major strides in understanding the fundamental laws that govern our universe. From calculating the orbits of large galaxies to deciphering the wave like properties of the subatomic world, astrophysicists and quantum physicists alike have attempted to close the large gap in our understanding of the natural world. And with the discovery of string theory, some argue that we have inched closer still to uncovering nature’s blue prints; And it was with great pleasure, that I submitted the newest theory that will explain yet another aspect of nature;the Binkian theory.

For years, people have been fascinated by gravity. The weakest of all known forces, gravity is the reason why we don’t float away into outer space. For the longest time, it has been a widely held belief that gravity acts on all matter equally. Galileo proved this when he stood atop the Leaning Tower of Pisa and dropped two balls of differing masses, both of which landed at the same time, demonstrating that their time of descent was independent of their mass. Scientists subsequently quantified gravity’s effects on all objects on earth. It turns out that gravity causes a downward acceleration of all objects at about 9.8 meters per second every second…all objects except for the binkie.

My studies have demonstrated that gravity acts differently on the modern day binkie. Either due to its unusual shape or its constitution, the binkie is more powerfully affected by the force of gravity. Initially noted by first time dad, Mr. Randolph Heitzler of Innsbruk, Austia, the binkie “seems to fall much faster than most objects”. Similar findings were noted by first time mothers Juliet Moreut of Marseille, France and Xiaoping Li of Beijing, China.

Although not yet scientifically quantified, some estimate that the effects of gravity on the binkie may be anywhere between two and what my husband believes to be a million times as powerful as other objects. Some have also observed that the effect of gravity on the binkie is sometimes varied and increases proportionally to the high pitched cry of a newborn.

My binkian theory will likely face many challenges. The most recent attack was from another like-minded scientist from Ontario, Canada. Mrs. Granato refutes the findings outlined in my dissertation. However, she herself published a recent article on the reverse arching of the infant urinary stream when changing diapers. In that article, Mrs. Granato contends that the infant urine behaves similarly to wave-like particles, and is no longer subject to gravity’s effect. She believes that this powerful knowledge will better assist first time parents not only cope with but also find ways to avoid extraneous laundering of their urine drenched t-shirts and sweaters.

Another critical stay at home self proclaimed physicist, Mrs. Roberta Bell, recently described the enhanced fluid hydrostatic effect of infant stool. Suggesting a link with stool stains on infant shirts, Mrs. Bell points to enhanced capillary action of infant stool in the soiled diapers as the likely cause.

Despite the vigorous ongoing debate, the scientific community is looking to find common ground breaking physical principles to better elucidate the laws that govern our everyday world. Our children will be the key for all our future endeavors;with their high velocity binkies, their unstoppable urinary streams, their projectile feces and all.

Elina Bakamjian can be reached at b.elina@yahoo.com


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