Homesick in My Homeland

0908threeapples (Medium)Once there was and there was not…

You feel a wave of air rush from the underground tube in front of you. The subway train is fast approaching Bagramian Station, your local friends are talking non-stop about Eurovision, and the invisible pressure of cold air – what you feel before you hear the hum of the tracks – embraces and chills you.

This is your Saroyan moment. He had stood in New York City and missed home, and you are standing in the belly of your Homeland, homesick for Fresno.

Instead of the cold air from the tunnels underneath Yerevan, you want to feel the fans at your gym in Fresno. You want to feel the giant fans above cooling you down as you jog on the treadmill, listening to Armenian revolutionary songs.

You want to hear the songs that gave you goose bumps, that made you feel connected, the songs that had motivated you, your friends, your generation, and the generation that gave you life.

These songs were your anthem; they were what made you feel Armenian.

These were the songs about how the Turks had massacred you, burned your homes, destroyed your crops, and marched you out to the desert to die.

They were the songs that told the story of the brave men and women who had stood up against the Ottoman Empire and saved your entire genetic pool from disappearing off the face of the earth.

These revolutionary songs had empowered generations to fight for your collective dream of an independent homeland.

They were the songs that had echoed at dances, weddings, and at weekend retreats at Big Pines, songs that you had sung around the campfire, songs that you had played in your headsets at the gym while running five miles or pumping weights.

These were the songs that chronicled your oral histories, sung generation after generation. These were the songs that talked of Rosdom, Kristapor and Zavarian, Sosse and Serop, of Moorad, of the kach badanees who were the hope of Homeland, of the Lisbon Five, of Antranig and the fedayee heroes, and our Cilician Kingdom.

These were your songs that were written about the five boys, the ones your age, who had taken over a Turkish Embassy in Lisbon and died attempting to bring attention to the unacknowledged injustices the world had ignored.

These were your songs, the songs in your soul, the songs that made you seek the Homeland.

These were the songs you wanted to hear, the songs that people you are with in the underground station could care less about, the songs that people in this real Homeland don’t want to think about.

They don’t care about your songs or your culture. They want work. They want food. They want peace. And tell it to you like it is:

“Paul Chaderjian, you don’t know anything about being Armenian or living in Armenia.”

One repatriate had called you ‘riff-raff.’ And thus you were.

You were a gorgor, a lebleboujee. You knew chicken kebob, the grand costumes and vests of the priests at church, and revolutionary songs.

You knew your father and his dedication to the language, to the Church, the holy Church and its divine liturgy.

You knew things Armenian included your mother yelling at you when you spoke English at home. “Hayeren khoseer,” she would say, and you wanted to hear her say it again.

And right now, you want to be back at your father’s print shop in the Tower District of Fresno, proof-reading a flier for extra cash, typesetting some god-awful book someone had written about being Armenian.

You want your father to be telling you how you should give up the silly dreams of making movies in Hollywood, that you will have a better tomorrow and make enough money if you pursue a more conventional career.

“You have to know people in show business,” your father would say. “You have to know people to get into that business. Who do you know,” your father would ask.

“And you’re not going to marry an odar,” he would continue. Were you racists? Or was it a matter of self-preservation?

Your entire psychology and purpose for being alive was to keep your culture alive, at all cost. Everything about you and your family was your Armenian identity. That is all you are. That is all you know.

But you are standing in the belly of the place your parents and five million Armenians are obsessed with, and this place isn’t interested in your parent’s dreams. They want what you have in that place you come from. They like iPhones, Hummers, and goth. Yes, goth. The music. The dress. The post-punk 80s music scene and subculture from the UK.

And there’s you. The riff-raff with your revolutionary songs.

Were millions of Diasporan lives and your life built on false dreams? False identities? False hope?

Why had your father carried the torch for your people? Did your the Homeland need him to carry the torch? Had anyone in Armenia asked your mother to scream at you when you spoke in English at home?

You are confused. You don’t understand, and all you want is to be back in your mother’s kitchen, where TV 5 from France is blaring, where the stovetop is permeating strong scents, and the nieces are running around making so much goddamn noise that you want to leave again.

You want to be back with your people, the people who are content living in tract homes with the requisite image of Ararat over the fireplace.

You want to be back with the people who played it safe to ensure the survival of their children as Armenians, people who bless the grapes every weekend in August, eat at George’s Shish Kebob, and make a big deal out of Christmas Tree Lane.

And three apples fell from heaven: one for the storyteller, one for him who made him tell it, and one for you the reader.


Discussion Policy

Comments are welcomed and encouraged. Though you are fully responsible for the content you post, comments that include profanity, personal attacks or other inappropriate material will not be permitted. Asbarez reserves the right to block users who violate any of our posting standards and policies.


  1. Pingback: Homesick in My Homeland | Asbarez News | armeniatoday

  2. Marine Mardirian said:

    I read this with much interest and an inner voice that kept saying, Yup! That’s how it is… In some ways we are a different people, us diasporans, shaped by the various milieus we’ve inhabited, yet clinging to that core of Armenian-ness, each in their own way. I want to continue to believe that in our diversity lies our salvation. Thank you for a well-thought-out AND though-provoking piece, Paul.

  3. sylvie tertzakian said:

    chaderjian makes a very interesting point. how well do the diasporan armenians and the homeland armenians understand one another. it has been a mere 18 short years since the independence of armenia, when the armenians from the diaspora and armenia had a chance to interact.and, who is a dioaspran armenian? is there any prototype of a diasporan armenian? this subject warrants more discussion, to better understand the diaspora/ armenia relations.

  4. Nina Hovnanian said:

    Interesting article Paul. But we must never forget that Armenia is a post soviet republic. It’s like a whole society of people who lived life for nearly a whole century in candlelight until someone switched on the lights and they could finally see what they were missing. I mean, really, can you blame them for not going wild with desire and ambition to see, do, and have it all?
    I think that this difference in priorities between the communities only underlines the importance that the Diasporan role must have in building Armenia.
    We in the Diaspora were raised to keep the flame alive while living in the lap of luxury and having it all — free to think and say whatever came to mind, never fearing for our lives.
    Today, Armenians in Armenia want it all without the struggle because they simply don’t have to make an effort to keep the flame alive. The flame burns on whether or not they make an effort. They are born and live in the Republic of Armenia.
    Today, they want to make sure that their family and their country has all the comfort, beauty, conveniences, benefits of any other country in the world. Their main concern is that their lives are as rich ( in all senses) as those who live in the Diaspora. Frankly I cannot blame them. Why shouldn’t Armenia be fabulous in every possible way?
    I want it all too. I want the designer boutiques, I want chichi restaurants, cafes and nightlife and beautiful gardens and a great cup of cappuccino. Those things are already taking hold in the capital city. And I am sure that soon (long view) enough there will be trickle down.
    But I also want human rights; I want a good justice system that upholds the law; I want fair trade; I want Armenia and all Armenians to explore, enjoy, and revive its Christian heritage and have its faith restored with, by, to and for all of God’s good graces in the real sense — not just by virtue of paying lip service to its Christian past. I want a cleaner environment with less smog. I want a BETTER education system, lower and fairer taxes, and easier and fairer customs with a level playing field — less favoritism towards the oligarchs. I want Armenia and Armenians to be rich and healthy and not lacking for anything.
    But I don’t think those things will happen until UNTIL there is a period of satiation for those who are in charge. They are on a major learning curve, getting exposure to a world which they were completely cut off from less than a generation ago..

    And the more the Diaspora comes here, gets involved,and interacts with local Armenians with open minds and a willingness to overlook the flaws and to share their western perspectives, the faster they will speed the process of this learning curve. By influencing positively the mores and attitudes of the new upcoming generation and reawakening their appreciation of the treasured old world Armenian values that we had the luxury of growing up with, Diaspora Armenians will give the deghatsi local Armenians the opportunity to get in touch with their real roots. And then and only then will we all be closer to building the dream of a perfect Armenia together.
    Stop sitting in your armchair in the Diaspora and pointing fingers and complaining. If you want things to change, you need to make your impact felt and heard first hand. Make your dream work for Armenia.

  5. Pingback: Homesick in My Homeland | Asbarez Armenian News | armeniatoday