For Whom The Zell Tolls

By Skeptik Sinikian
Asbarez Columnist

This has been some week! The Olympics are finally over and I heard that an Armenian from Uzbekistan or Khazakhstan or one of the other stans (except Hayastan) finally won a bronze medal (that’s third place for the metallurgic challenged)! My friend who called me to tell me about this medal reassured me that even though the medal is only a bronze–the winner has some relatives who work in the Jewelry District in Downtown LA who will have it gold plated at no extra charge. So I guess that should hold us over until 2008. But the Olympics aren’t making headlines anymore–so let’s put the ancient games to bed. The fabricated CNN and Fox News headlines are being churned up in New York where the Republican Convention has captured the attention of the nation.

On Wednesday night the key note speaker was US Senator Zell Miller–an unabashed Democrat turned Bush supporter. Senator Miller–or Zell as we will call him–took the podium and delivered a fiery "Armageddon is upon us if Kerry is elected" speech that had Republican delegates hooting and hollering like the Dukes of Hazzard. Zell tore into Kerry’s voting record like a rabid hyena attacking a carcass. Even if you disagree with his statemen’s–almost everyone agrees that Zell was the best speaker so far at the convention–outshining even Dick "potty mouth" Chenney. But even with the Zellmeister beating up on Kerry like a birthday piata–there was very little substance in his remarks.

Now wait! (I can hear Republican Party loyalists and conservative readers grinding their teeth or sharpening their knives). I think that Zell did a heck of a job of painting Senator John Kerry as the flip-flopper who wants to arm the US army with spitballs instead of bombers–missiles–and jet fighters. In fact–if I were Kerry and were watching this speech–I’d make sure to have my assistant or butler or sidekick take Zell off the Christmas card list. But there’s more to this speech than meets the eye. Aside from being a superb Republican hatchet job–it was rift with moronic rhetoric. Here’s my favorite line from the speech that exemplifies the ignorance of war mongers in our country.

"In the summer of 1940–I was an 8-year-old boy living in a remote little Appalachian valley. Our country was not yet at war–but even we children knew that there were some crazy men across the ocean who would kill us if they could."

That’s right folks–a brilliant gem of a statement (not taken out of context–I assure you) from Senator Zell Miller. What a brilliant child he was at the tender age of 8. Apparently young Zell thought the Germans and Italians were "crazy men across the ocean who would kill us if they could." The same Germans and Italians who gave us Mozart–Beethoven–the Roman Republic–the Catholic Church–spaghetti and pizza–hamburgers and hotdogs–Sigmund Freud–Johann Wolfgang von Goethe–not to mention Michalengelo–Leonardo Da Vinci–and countless other contributions which this country is based on. These same folks have been reduced to being irrational homicidal maniacs. But I guess if you’re running around the Appalachian valley in overalls covered in mud–chasing frogs and playing the banjo when you’re not steeling moonshine from the neighbor’s still–then it’s pretty hard to see Germans and Italians as anything other than "crazy men" bent on killing innocent children. Is it any wonder why this administration and the Republicans see Arabs as maniacs and wild freaks who live in the desert–one notch above the Jawas and one notch below the Tusken raiders (Star Wars reference folks).

I haven’t met one person yet who thinks that if Kerry is elected President–he will ask everyone in the army to turn in their guns for rhythmic gymnastics batons–the ones with long flowing ribbons like Will Ferrell’s in "Old School." I’m just tired of having patriotism shoved down my throat night after night after night. We get the point already! The Republican party claims to be the party of Homeland Security and superior intelligence; yet before the convention even started–a well-known news agency reported that "a welcome e-mail that was sent to hundreds of volunteers for the Republican National Convention inadvertently included the name–address–social security number–race–and other personal information of those volunteers." This is the Party of security–defending the rights of every American–yet they can’t even send out an email without botching the job.

The real sad thing about this whole election is that Kerry is taking all of this without any comebacks. Maybe it’s part of the "play dead and they’ll leave you alone" campaign strategy that’s going to pan out later on. But seriously–there are two months left until the election and Kerry just got handed the ass whooping of a lifetime. In fact–the Republicans hit him so hard that he should pack his bags and head back to his palatial resort getaway in the Cape. When you can’t harm a monolingual President who can’t even speak English coherently–then you have problems.

Anyway–Zell has spoken and regardless of what people say about this political Judas–he has dealt Kerry a body blow. Kerry needs to win states in the south–and having pretty boy Edwards by his side just won’t cut it. It’s time for Kerry to follow the Boston Red Sox motto from last year and either "Cowboy Up!" or resign himself to the Michael Dukakis Massachusetts Presidential Candidate Hall of Shame. Time is running out.

Skeptik Sinikian loves to make bold accusatory statemen’s with no factual foundation. Skeptik claims that if you’re not with him–then you’re against him and if you’re against him–then you don’t love America. If you would like to "bring it on," do so at or visit


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