The Problem With Women

tkevonian (Medium)“The problem is very simple,” says Sevag, “boys don’t want to grow up.” It’s a simple statement to the complicated issue of the disconnection between men and women. Recently divorced, he feels keenly the effects of the phenomena of the breakdown of communication between the sexes.

“They [boys] want to have fun and women like to control and manage their home life. Because women have a greater sense of the importance of nesting and family and keeping the family together.” Sevag speaks in run-on sentences as the ideas come pouring out. He has a lot to say on the topic. “And they [women] think that keeping the man home every night, that’s going to solve that whole family issue. But they’re not realizing that the guy needs to go out a couple times a week and let off steam and be with his friends. So when the wife isn’t allowing the individual space for the man, that’s when pressure builds up, resentment builds up, and arguing over the toothpaste and the toilet seat, and those kinds of things – it’s a never ending domino effect. It comes to a point where you don’t even know what the root of the problem is. And the root of the problem is that. It’s the inability to find the boundary for the guy because inevitably he’ll always cross the line. You’re going to give him a day he’s going to take two. You give him two he’s going to take three. So the guy doesn’t know where to quit and, the other end, the woman doesn’t know where to let the slack go. When to give the noose around the neck some looseness. I think that’s the biggest fundamental problem between men and women relationship. It’s the inability to realize how much to give and how much to take.” Having finished his thought, he stops to take a bite of his kebob.

Sevag’s observations are based on personal experience and through his conversation with his male friends, most of who are now married. He says that he often hears statements such as “I’m on lockdown tonight. I can’t do anything. Let me see, I have to check with the wife,” etc. He says that “These are the guys that kowtow. They keep the wife happy but they’re miserable. One day they’re going to explode.” What he means is that at some point they will cheat on their wives, go out of town to a place like Las Vegas and finally act out because of their built up resentment. “It happens. These guys are like in a prison.” He thinks that husbands must be allowed time away and doesn’t believe this is a problem if there is trust in a relationship. But also interjects the idea that “using sex as a tool for punishment against the mate only leads to disaster.”

“Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday night, it’s always family. You go out with your wife, you go out daytime with the kids, if a couple of times a year – I’m not even saying a couple of times a month – you happen to go out with your guys on a Saturday night, it’s because it’s a bachelor party or someone’s birthday and women aren’t invited.” He states that he has no problem whatsoever with women having a night out with the girls. “Thursday was a girl’s night out thing with all the guys. And some of these girls would actually go to clubs, all together, dancing and freaking with guys – I’ve seen the pictures on Facebook.” But he says that he trusted his wife at the time and, in return, never gave her a reason not to trust him, “other than the fact that I would stay out late and I would go out with my guy friends. Generally it was poker night till 2, 3, 4 o’clock in the morning. Once you have kids, of course it slows down a little bit. You don’t go out as much, once a week, once every two weeks.” Despite that he still was berated for his late nights. “I would ask her ‘How long have you known me? How many times have I gone to play cards? How many times I come home at 3 o’clock in the morning? Why is it you’re still harping on it? You know this is the situation.’”

During his marriage, his wife also had a few late nights and it never bothered Sevag. “It’s the giving and the taking I’m talking about. It’s the allowance and the amount you’re going to take from the allowance – on the male side. On the female side, its how much are you going to hold back and how much you’re going to let go. It can be with going out, for example, or it can be with spending money, or it can be with snooping – that’s a big issue. When you don’t have trust in relationships you’re always looking at credit card bills, cell phones and things like that. That’s not cool.” He believes that both men and women act this way because of insecurities brought about by past experiences of hurt and betrayal that has eroded the ability to trust. “You may be the most trustworthy person in the world but they’re never going to understand that. And that again is a problem in a relationship because the one person who doesn’t have a reason to feel guilty, is made to feel guilty.”

Having stated the problem, Sevag doesn’t have a solution to this dilemma, “I’d still be married if I knew the solution. I’m not here to give answers,” he says laughs a hearty laugh with his deep, earthy voice that emanates from deep inside his chest.

Not having a clear vision of what you want in a life partner is also problem Sevag believes. “I think people that find their ideal mates have a clear cut vision of what they want.” He admits that he didn’t have one himself before he got married and still doesn’t have one currently, now that he is single again.

This newly single status is giving Sevag a new insight as to why there are so many chronically single people in the community today.  “Women in their thirties who are still single – from my observation because I’ve met a lot and I know a lot of them – I’ve found that they look for something wrong [in a guy]. They’re setting themselves up for failure right away. They focus too much on the con list rather than the pro list. And that con list has too much stuff on it,” he says and shakes his head. “Don’t start a relationship focusing on the negative aspects right away, have a little balance. They [women] say ‘oh this guy doesn’t drive a nice car: out. This guy is a little chubby: out.’” Unfortunately, he also sees the same exact behavior in the men.

“These are questions I don’t have the answers to. They’re all guesses.”

Asked if he would ever marry again, Sevag is emphatic that, although he doesn’t regret his whirlwind romance where he met and married within eleven months the woman he fell in love with at first sight, he would not repeat the experience without getting to know someone and living with them before walking down the aisle a second time. “Right now the answer’s ‘no’ but who knows,” he says and shrugs while his famous laugh ripples through the air.

“Right now that’s how I feel but I’m a very passionate guy and I’ve let my emotions run my whole life. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I can’t see myself any other way.”

“The problem is very simple,” says Sevag, “boys don’t want to grow up.” It’s a simple statement to the complicated issue of the disconnection between men and women. Recently divorced, he feels keenly the effects of the phenomena of the breakdown of communication between the sexes.

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