BY SKEPTIK SINIKIAN
Every day I learn something new. It’s a byproduct of the fact that I only have a fourth grade education. Not that I stopped going to school after completing the fourth grade–it’s just that I stopped listening. Everything I ever needed to know about life I learned in kindergarten anyway–and for whatever wasn’t covered in kindergarten–there’s always the internet.
Yesterday–I learned that Senator John Kerry’s wife–Theresa Heinz-Kerry–has been spending time with my mother or maybe the older Armenian men who play backgammon at Maple Park. At least that’s the only explanation I can come up with to explain her recent conspiracy theory outburst at a fundraiser in Phoenix–Arizona. At a gathering of supporters–Mrs. Kerry said that she believed that Osama Bin Laden will be apprehended before the November election. In fact–my neighbor is convinced that this is true. He thinks that Osama is being held captive as you read this in some top secret military installation somewhere in Pakistan or Nevada.
I don’t pay much attention to the rumors–allegations–gossip–or other conspiracy theories I hear every day–but after reading Theresa Heinz-Kerry’s statement–I thought to myself–"What if she’s right? What if Osama Bin Laden is apprehended just before the election?" I wondered if the capture of Bin Laden means that Bush will be reelected. The answer to this highly hypothetical scenario is "yes."
But I’m here to give you my own Skeptik prediction. Osama Bin Laden will not be captured before November 2–and here’s why. Now–I don’t know much about politics but I know movies. Like 99.9 percent of Americans–I couldn’t name all of President Bush’s cabinet member–but if you were to ask me to explain the Godfather movie trilogy–I could probably write a 60 page thesis complete with the first and last names of each character and organizational diagrams detailing the transfer of power from Don Vito Corleone all the way down to Don Vincent ‘Vinnie’ Mancini-Corleone-Santino ‘Sonny’ Corleone’s bastard son. I’m fast becoming an expert on the Lord of the Rings Trilogy too. Hey–it’s not something of proud of necessarily. Blame society and television! I find the plots of most Hollywood movies more believable than the news nowadays anyway.
The President and his advisors know this all too well and have begun a manipulation of the American public and thus have written a Hollywood script for the voters to devour and keep asking for more. Here’s the Skeptik Plot Synopsis:
Act I–The Man Who Would Be King
A kingdom must choose a new king. Two men face off and a young insignificant prince with no credentials comes to power under questionable circumstances. After weeks of confusion–a council of "wise men" and two women decide that the gods wish to give the crown to the young nobody. The rightful heirs of the throne admit defeat and retreat to fight another battle–possibly in four years. The new king takes over the empire and rules with extreme naivety and through mismanagement of the realm; he alienates subjects who were skeptical of his abilities from the get go.
Act II–Enemy at the Gates
[Setting: New York–Washington–DC]
Pressure begins to mount on the accidental king to perform his expected duties. The king has meanwhile entrusted all of the details of governing the empire to his father’s old advisory who gladly takes advantage of the prince’s situation and begins returning the empire to the unpopular ways of days of yore. Meanwhile the young king indulges in vacations–banquets–and other royal privileges as his empire falls further into decline. As discontent grows–the kingdom is suddenly threatened by an invisible threat after two towns are destroyed and thousands of innocent people die. The kingdom is launched into a state of sorrow and confusion. The enemies who attacked the realm are elusive and do not fight by conventional means. The inexperienced king declares a state of war against the invisible enemy and rallies the confused masses under his banner. Our clueless king has taken on the role of a warrior and a savior.
Act III–The Empire Strikes Back
[Setting: Afghanistan and Iraq]
As the invisible enemy continues to evade a direct confrontation–the young king grows impatient and attacks a far away land where the enemy had once found refuge. The king’s subjects–hungry with revenge–follow their leader into battle expecting a swift victory. The weaker kingdom is quickly conquered but the invisible enemy continues to evade capture. Before his subjects can question his reasoning–the king and his advisors decide to launch another offensive. Unable to find the actual culprits of the attacks on the towns–the king decides to attack the kingdom of his father’s old adversary. Some subjects begin to question the king’s decisions but are accused of being weak and only encouraging the enemy. Hundreds of soldiers die in an effort to occupy the far away kingdom. The king convinces his subjects that they are winning the war against the elusive enemy who attacked the kingdom and that the war is nearly over.
Act IV–Wag the Dog
Years pass and the enemy continue to evade capture. The king invokes the loss suffered by the devastating attacks to win over the hearts and minds of his subjects but dissent continues to grow. Finally–a group of princes decide the time has come to finally challenge the "warrior" king and finally select the person amongst them who they believe stands the best chance of ousting the king. The prince they select is a tried and true veteran of both the royal court and the battlefield. He is popularly recognized as being smarter than the king but the king’s popularity remains high. When asked why–most subjects (51–60%) respond with–"He just seemeth like the type of king you can siteth down with and haveth a pitcher of ale!" When asked about his challenger–most respond with–"His facial expression doth remind me of a warlock or a horse!"
As more subjects die in what seems like an endless war unrelated to the initial attacks suffered by the kingdom–people begin to question their king’s intentions. There is further scandal in the kingdom when an entire town is left to starve after a close friend of the kings–a certain Duke of Enron steals and sells his subjects’ food which they had been saving for the upcoming winter.
Meanwhile–generals from the battlefront ask for more money–supplies–and most importantly–soldiers.
To be continued?(Hey–all great movies and even some really bad ones have a sequel. You didn’t really think we’d get through this epic in only one column–did you? See you next week!)
Skeptik Sinikian is working on selling the above story line to a major Hollywood studio or news agency. Dan Rather initially expressed interest and then abandoned the project. Anyone is interested in producing this epic drama/horror/comedy/musical/documentary–please write to email@example.com or visit www.sinikian.blogspot.com.